Fair enough. The title makes me sound like I’m about ninety years old, about to kick the bucket and have nothing to smile about. At twenty-four however, I really am starting to feel old and concerned that I have nothing to show for my life.
I told my mom not too long ago, how I was feeling anxious about the future, how little I had achieved thus far, and how others just seemed to have their lives together already. My mother laughed and I cried. Together amongst our chatter and my mother’s banter,my mother reminded me that if I were to constantly compare myself to others, I would never be happy no matter what. Even if I did have that degree(that has been out of reach for so long), an easier boss or an ideal car, somebody would always have it better.
What my mom was trying to make me realise was that I was never to compare myself to others. Comparing myself did nothing to change those things that I knew I had to change myself. If I wanted to be happier, it was a fruitless exercise in finding my happiness in the comparison of another, considering that no person led the same life as I did, norhad the same circumstances.
How at twenty four-years old was I feeling so much pressure to have already become thebest thing around? A few explanations could be; 1) What I see on social media; 2)My perception on things around me; 3) My plans differ to reality and; 4) My personal expectations are unrealistic to say the least.
Let us start with social media and perceptions. Not many people post what is really going on in their worlds on social media. They post what they would like us to perceive and believe. They create an illusion and we believe it. Trust me, it works. For example, Alice will post the incredible picture of her new house, the kind that you dream of owning at about seventy, when you have worked your life away in order to be able to afford it. Making sure she shares it on Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat, with the hashtags along the likes of ‘#itwillbetoughbutworthit’. What Alice fails to mention in this post, is that she probably won’t be socialising for a while, eating or sleeping too well and constantlyconceiving ideas as to how she will be paying it off. Otherwise she fails to mention that she most certainly did not pay for it all by herself. Or perhaps that her family has all the money in the world, and yet not a minute of time, to listen to how she is feeling. Because of course, who could possibly be depressed with all the money in the world?
What Alice posts, is what Alice wants us to believe, and maybe in return she, will believe it too. Those many ‘likes’ you get on social media, and the euphoric high of a new materialistic item are incredible, until it wears off.
It is those small reminders on social media that remind me of what I don’t have. A reminder what those around me do have, and make me believe that I should have similar by now. Leaving a feeling that if I don’t have it by now, then I have failed at being the success I expected of myself. Even if a house you could only dream of does seem far-fetched I have also started questioning if I will ever be able to afford marriage and have children. When I see people my age, celebrating their wedding with a lavish style wedding, it overwhelms me completely. How can they afford it? I don’t even know if I could afford a lavish wedding in ten years to come. Then there are children. How the hell are people celebrating and embracing it? How are they giving them the best life possible? I can barely give myself a good life at this point.
Plans of what I wanted, whom I wanted to be, and where I wanted to be, differ so much in between the years, you could almost be excused for believing that you were dealing with a different person. At eighteen, I came out of matric and was advised that it was imperative that I complete a BCom. I was advised at the time it didn’t matter which Bcom I did, I was just to find something I was interested in. Thus, I chose marketing. Studying, and working (something I chose, as I was adamant I wanted to make a basic salary every month), has proved to be a bitch (Trust me, that’s putting it nicely).I went into a law firm after school, and have remained with a law firm since. It was in law that I found where my passion lay and realised that I disliked marketing, I decided to complete a BCom law, and soon after discovered that it really was the BCom that I despised with a passion.
Here I am today, a 2nd year LLB student, and still unsure in regards to the time frame as to when I can be expected to have completed it. It is exceptionally frustrating and tiring to continue, when you see others whom you went to school with, graduating together. This certainly wasn’t where I saw myself six years ago. That said, six years ago my personal expectations were highly unrealistic.
What I fail to recognise when I am feeling despondent about where I am, and where others are, is acknowledging that which I have achieved thus far. That which I have achieved may seem minor to me now, but at one stage it was all I dreamed of. That which I have now, is what many my age still dream of having. That in no way means, you should compare yourself to those who have less, to make yourself feel good, but rather acknowledge that which you have now, you can be exceptionally grateful for and dare I say a little proud of.
There are different forms of comparing, of which I am sure we have all done at one stage or another. These include; comparing upwards; comparing downwards and; comparing to those just like us.
Comparing upwards consists of the idea that you compare yourself to individuals whom you perceive as better than you. This can be used to either inspire you and motivate you when looking at how the individual lives their life, or it can break you down and make you believe that you are a failure for having not achieved the same. As mentioned earlier, there is also comparing downwards. This includes comparing yourself to others who haven’t had the same opportunities as you. It can make you acknowledge that which you can be grateful for, or it can create a false sense of superiority. Lastly there is comparing to those just like you. This is often used to assure ourselves in the decisions we make and to support our ideas, or it can be used to support behaviour that one knows is incorrect, however, we use the excuse that others have done it and therefore it is ok.
Compare yourself to yourself. That is it. Obviously it is not that simple to do all the time, and I am still learning myself, but the main idea behind it is simple. Nobody is you and nobody is on the same journey as you. You are here to live your life and here to be as happy, kind, and memorable as possible. Your degree, money, house, cellphone and all the other things that you keep comparing yourself to others for, are really not of any importance when you leave this earth.
Most importantly though, stress and comparisons are not going to be the happy memories you replay over and over in your last few days. Memories and experiences will be. It will those memories and experiences shared, that you are remembered for.
Go out and make them.
“By comparing yourself to others, you limit yourself to being only as excellent as they may be and in so doing, prevent yourself from achieving a higher level of accomplishment that you never knew possible. Let others be GUIDES not GOALS!”
melissayoung1993 